Oh Drew, so good to see you again. In today’s installment, we’re going to learn how to spot an ex post facto facebrag. We’ll also see how little shame this man has as he comments on his own status first without any prompting.
Here’s a quick note from Drew’s friend that really helps set the tone:
“Or your dad’s work ethic, you pompous rollie pollie. If this guy is so f-ing cool and popular why does he continue to put up facebrags inviting people to these events? Right when I know I have access to tickets to something I call one my buddy’s [sic] and invite them, pretty sure that’s what most people do. This guy has no friends and is a complete and utter douche.”
After having sifted through a few of Drew’s status updates, it does appear that he doesn’t have any friends who actually want to spend time or be in the same room with him. He’s always asking/begging/bribing people to go with him to all of these spectacular events. Surely he has at least ONE friend who will go with him out of the goodness of his/her heart? Maybe not…I can’t say I’d blame them at this point.
All of this nonsense about Hollywood premieres and getting the tux cleaned are gratuitous in the extreme. I’ve been thinking about some of the hate mail I’ve received, and for a moment I started feeling kind of bad about exposing andridiculing these people. Then I remembered ol’ Drew, and that feeling was extinguished like a tea candle in a hurricane.
Drew is really the perfect example of the modern, self-appointed social media somebody. Sadly, new technologies likefacebook, Twitter, and blogs have given some people the impression they are “famous,” and thus “admired” or worthy of being followed by virtue of having amassed a not insignificant number of followers. They believe these mini-audiences afford them the same privileges of true celebrities, including the ability to preen incessantly about how fabulous they and their lives are.
Fortunately for us, nothing could be further from the truth.
You see it in the status update’s structure, always an air of matter-of-factness, as if their lives are so patently sublime that they can’t possibly be bragging, but rather calling it like it is. Note how Drew says, “Well that’s exciting,” as if we were there in the room with him and he just got off the phone receiving some good news. This is also where he slyly sets up the need for a tuxedo (so he can point out he owns one, duh), as well as slips in the “last world premiere I went to was black tie” line. Only a douchebrag of the highest order would have the audacity to implant one vile facebragdeep within the rotting bowels of another.
Such is Drew.
He also comments on his status update first, without any sort of stimulus. It’s as if he’s panicked that his audience is fretting over his wardrobe requirements.
He imagines his facebook friends thusly, “Oh no…is Drew going to have to wear a tux? Will he be able to get it cleaned in time? What if he doesn’t? Whatever will he do? Does he have time to buy a new one or will he have to borrow one from a friend…or even worse…a waiter, like in a TV show, and then get stuck serving his peers like Dan Humphrey did in Gossip Girl?”
Ugh, I have to get it out of my system before I go on: Fuck you, Drew, you self-absorbed ass sore.
There, now I feel much better.
I could go on analyzing Drew’s sniveling little status updates, but I think the point has been made. What I hope we can all take away from this a better understanding of why this special breed of dickweed acts the way it does, and how to spot this bullshit and stamp it out before it metastasizes like an unruly tumor. Because really, it’s up to us to call these guys out and keep them in line.
Tomorrow will be our 5th and final installment of The Summer of Drew (less teachy, more bitchy)…get excited!
And a note to my readers, I apologize for only one post this AM. Check back later today for some more goodies.
