August 21st, 2009
Katie, it’s August. Your vacations start in November. Why on earth does anyone care to hear about this shit right now, in the ball sweat heat of summer? Countdowns are allowed to start a few weeks out, not a few months. That’s the rule…I just made up.
Also, people who actually belong at the Ritz take great pains not to say the word every other breath. Those going with lottery winnings or on someone else’s dime, however, let you know every chance they get (see above). This is similar to how lame ass New Yorkers drop in “I’m going to the Hamptons this weekend” at least 5-12 times before their trip…you know, just so you know where they’ll be. Ugh.
Katie trying to figure out how to operate a book
If you have to talk about it that much…you’re trying too hard. Capice?
Tags: Hamptons, New York, Ritz Carlton
Posted in I'm just so busy, Richer than God | 1 Comment »
August 21st, 2009
Miley may be obnoxious, but at least she’s a good sport. A friend of hers sent this in, then Miley went on to comment on her own facebrag call out:
“This post is about me and I think it is hilarious. I checked out this site all the time, before I became famous on it, and should have known that my 100% bragging post would make it on here. Although some things said were a little… uh… disgusting, I find everything else very funny. I will continue posting about my amazing boyfriend and continue disgusting my facestalkers ( the people who are not my friends but insist on stalking my facebook ) I happen to enjoy my life (as a 22 year old, 23 this Friday, a correction to the person that posted this) and like to brag about it every once in a while. Keep up the good work!”
In the end, props to Miley…she gets it! This site is about being able to laugh at yourself and others and have fun. I make it as anonymous as possible precisely for that reason.
Keep up the good work, too, Miley, and don’t be offended when we call your ass out.
PS – You’re not famous, dear. But if you guys keep spreading the word about FBT, maybe one day you will be!
Posted in I can laugh at myself | No Comments »
August 21st, 2009
So here’s a new one…this douchebrag posted his bar receipt on facebook so we can all see how much money he spent drinking. I’m all for drinking, and spending money, and mixing the two together…but posting the receipt on facebook? Really cockbreath?
Do us all a favor and at least stop biting your nasty, jankety finger nails if you’re going to play a hand model in your spare time. Actually, just spare us from having to look at your pudgy little sausage fingers altogether.
Oh, and Red Bull is whitetrashtastic…fyi.
Tags: douchebrag, drinking, facebook
Posted in Look at me!, Richer than God | 4 Comments »
August 19th, 2009
So there are moments when you think humanity isn’t that bad. In those dark hours of suffering, we pull together and support each other and are truly good. Think America just after 9/11. And then there’s Colin.
This is the kind of person that, again, really makes me question humanity. Thank God his friends have enough sense (or couth) not to like these inane, juvenile updates. Hell, I can’t even really tell what they mean. Does it have something to do with summer and people being on vacation? Is it directed at one person? No one knows…
A common theme is the fact that, like his facebragging brethren, Colin is an idiot. As evidenced by his in ability to solve for X when he sees you + are, none of his mindless drivel should be surprising. It does scrape at the soul nonetheless.
Meanwhile, back the ranch, Colin’s friend Andrew seems to think he likes to suck dick because of his annoying and incomprehensible status updates. I think we all know any self-respecting homosexual wouldn’t be caught dead saying “slams” or “out of the park,” unless of course the latter involved relocating some craigslist-induced sexual favor from a public venue to a slightly more private locale.
Colin, you can keep your life and your remedial English workbooks. We are not impressed.
Tags: 9/11, facebrag, homosexual, hooked on phonics
Posted in My life is better than yours, Punch in face | No Comments »
August 19th, 2009
I know, shoot me in the face already. Much like I dream about kicking those big, white, furry cats in the Sheba cat food commercials, young Miley here makes me want to punch a wall. Her friend sent this in:
“The chick below is ALWAYS posting about how much she loves her boyfriend and it grosses everyone out. Not only does a plant in my backyard have more personality/interesting things to say, this girl gets on everyone’s nerves. I have put one instance in this email. SO annoying! No one cares about you and you’re loser boyfriend. This chick seriously acts like she’s 15 years old when she’s actually 23!!”
I think 15 is a stretch. Seems more like a 12 year old trapped in a game of Doctor gone awry. Miley’s inherent awfulness notwithstanding, I have to give props to any girl looking forward to a facial (I bet she likes pearl necklaces, too).
Guys, this is the kind of girl you want. From the sound of it, she just might have some goggles at the ready as to avoid any awkward “you got it in my eye” moments…we know how uncomfortable those can be.
Girls, if you’re reading this, Miley should be your role model. No questions…if you love him you’ll say yes.
Tags: awkward, Facials, Miley Cyrus, role models
Posted in Someone loves me, Wish you were here | 9 Comments »
August 18th, 2009
It’s August. It’s hot. I’m hungover and tired. Too tired to spend much time commenting on Chris’ latest round of douchebraggery. I’ll let the doodles do the work for me. Enjoy!
And the kicker…
Chris, you really are amazing. So much so, I’m actually begging you to keep this up. Your ability to be a completely oblivious douchebrag truly knows no bounds.
God bless you and your breathtaking lack of shame or self-respect.
Tags: douchebrag
Posted in I'm amazing!, Look at me!, Punch in face | No Comments »
August 18th, 2009
God, I’m not wasting too much time on this bedsore because, well, she’d probably enjoy the attention.
Hey Tovah, did you ever think that lady sitting in the car eating that burger might be a single mom trying to grab some food before she has to go pick up her kid from school to drop off at the sitter before she starts the second job she just took to help pay for his tuition?
Probably not, because you’re a self-centered, obnoxious bitch with no concept of what others might possibly be going through. And, you’re the worst.
Here’s a memo: the world would be a much better place if snipey little ass-wipes like you would stop being judgy fucks and just shut up while other people live their lives.
Then again, being judgy isn’t always bad…so long as I’m the one judging.
Posted in I'm the worst | No Comments »
August 18th, 2009
There’s nothing better than some good old fashioned self-love. The Bible warns against it, as did the Greeks in their tale of Narcissus. But sometimes, it’s just fun to let people know you think you’re hot.
Haven’t seen a picture of this guy, so no way to judge…but maybe we should take his word for it. Still…really? The entire flashback portion of the update is totally unnecessary and indulgent. Anyone with a half a brain got what you were angling at from the first part. Your update went from subtle and clever to overwrought and facebraggy. Not cool, dick.
Also, what’s so wrong with discriminating based on how you look when you’re selling beauty? If Abercrombie hired yours truly, I would worry about their business model. Just like Hooters shouldn’t have to hire women with front butts or cutting board chests, neither should Abercrombie have to hire homely teenagers just so no one’s feelings get hurt. If you’re a jankety looking kid who wants to work at Abercrombie, get some Proactiv and a gym membership and stop your whining.
Abercrombie and Fitch's infamous "discrimination" symbol
Tags: Abercrombie and Fitch, Bible, Hooters, Narcissus, Proactiv, self-love
Posted in I'm just so pretty | 2 Comments »
August 18th, 2009
I can’t be certain, but from looks of it someone has come up with a way to travel around the world in very short amounts of time. I haven’t seen any such device or contraption myself, but from what I’m reading here, our friend Mischa has found a way to get from DC to Seattle to Massachusetts to London and back in just a few days. What will they think of next, little boxes that let you talk to people from thousands of miles away or doors that open themselves?!?!?
Another problem with facebook is the misconception created by having a mini-audience that your friends want to know where you are at all times. Guess what…they don’t. We get it, Mischa, you fly a lot. Good for you. So do millions of other people every single day. Go fuck yourself and stop updating your status every time you land someplace new. It makes you look trashy. Then again, you probably are.
PS – There’s really only one Hyannis anyone talks about, so adding “in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts” just proves my point that you are, in fact, trashy and simply trying too hard. Stop it.
Tags: automatic doors, facebook, flying machines, Hyannis, Massachusetts, talking boxes, trashy people
Posted in I'm just so busy, Wish you were here | No Comments »
