Lord, this is just sad and boring, but worthy of a chuckle nonetheless.  You’d think he was being nominated for an Oscar by the sound of it.

Mathew, we’ve seen your facebragging work before.   What organization could possibly be so desperate as to nominate YOU for Man of the Year?  Are we talking about ACORN here?  Wtf?

Regardless, hopefully you had fun at the Ritz, drinking your “shampane” and trying to figure out which fork goes with what. I’m imagining a Pretty Woman moment with you at such a nice hotel…except probably a bit more out of place than Julia Roberts. Even a hooker at the Regent Beverly Wilshire would seem more natural than  you at the Ritz.

Congrats again, douchebrag.  Hope you didn’t steal any of the silverware.

©2010 facebrag this. All Rights Reserved.

Here we have the triple Lutz of facebragging: got into law school, no trouble finding work, and a 4.0 GPA.  Well done, Michael.  Well done.

Apparently, Fin/Acct majors who have 4.0 GPAs are also raging cockheads with no sense of shame or self-respect.

It’s always nice to brag on and on about your effortless ability to get a job when unemployment is flirting with 10%…asshole.

One more thing, you moron.  It’s not “too bad” you’re going to law school.  It’s “too bad” when a puppy dies.  It’s “too bad” when you don’t win the lottery.  It’s “too bad” when a girl gets drunk and unwittingly has sex with you.  Your lame little attempt at feigned regret is as absurd as your land-grant college, grade inflated 4.0 GPA.

Michael, you are a worthless dickshit.

Who knew?

©2010 facebrag this. All Rights Reserved.

Finally…a facebrag from somewhere other than the United States! This came from a reader in Israel, and I’ll have to admit I don’t have a clue what it says.  Thankfully he/she (you can never tell with those names) was nice enough to translate for us, so I have to assume it’s accurate.  If not, oh well.

Can’t comment on it much, but at least it’s nice to see that Americans aren’t the only ones who facebrag.  Hopefully more of our international readers will send in their horror stories from around the world, too!  And, if you do, please translate them because, well, I can’t.

If you speak Hebrew, please feel free to add some color commentary.

©2010 facebrag this. All Rights Reserved.

Dear lord, who has more than 5 bank accounts?  Clearly, this douchebrag…and he wants everyone to know it.  Let me ask you, when was the last time you saw a “poor person” walking around with $500 cash in their pockets?

Yeah, never.

Why does Peter say this?  Because he’s a dickface.  I’d like to feel sorry for him getting hacked, but it looks like a dose of karma getting even from where I stand.

We’re also all thrilled you had fun on your cruise.  But the whole “GOSH” thing is a bit much.  You’re right, though, coming back from a cruise to a life with 5+ bank accounts and $500 cash in your pocket is sooooooo tough!  Ugh, if people only knew!  :-(

Tears.

©2010 facebrag this. All Rights Reserved.

Well, well, well.  Can’t be sure if this is the same Drew as before, but if it looks like a dickface, smells like a dickface, and brags like a dickface…

Then again, could also just be an unforunate name…

At any rate, GAWD.  Are you kidding me?  Is this for real?  There is nothing worse than lame fucks like this trying to claw their way out of meaningless obscurity by clinging to the coattails of people who’ve actually “made it” (note to reader: using the term “made it” very loosely re: Megan Fox…though “loose” is probably quite apt).

Drew, it’s surely a fluke or some benevolent act of charity you’re at this event.  Stop acting like you matter.  You don’t.  At all.  Period.

And trust me, Shia LaBeouf is the one who should be worried about sitting next to you, not vice versa.  From what I’ve read, pubic lice can jump.  And that’s just nasty.

©2010 facebrag this. All Rights Reserved.

So here’s my question: does it still count as bragging when the status update clearly exposes someone to be a piece of Turnpike Trash who thinks the Borgata is something to be proud of?  I’m torn on this one…like a ragged $5 bill being used to do the last line off the inner thigh of an AC boardwalk hussy.

Kids like Jay, the ones who give bridges and tunnels a bad name, always refer to Manhattan as “the city,” presumably to let us know they’re on a first name basis.  Tourists go to NYC.  New Yorkers once-removed go to “the city.”  I can’t really complain because God knows I don’t want these blow out bitches living in Manhattan.

Having them seep into the city on the weekends like hexavalent chromium in the Hinkley groundwater is more than enough.  (+5 to anyone who gets that reference)

But seriously, stop acting like you belong here just because public transit is unfortunate enough to run both ways.

Jay, you’re hanging out at chicken and rice joint (really?), and bragging about $1000 winnings and table service.  There’s a word I want you to look up:  nadir.  You’re there buddy…pull your shit together and shut the fuck up.

©2010 facebrag this. All Rights Reserved.

Okay, folks, sorry for the delay.  I’ve been away on vacay in the Seychelles and backpacking through India, so Internet wasn’t readily available.  Then again, neither was running water or proper plumbing.

Speaking of shit, our friend Ryan here has jolted me out of my vacation euphoria and reminded me, once again, why we shouldn’t chastise China so much for their one child rule.

True, this isn’t a pure facebrag, but it’s one of those, “Look at me, I’m all hard and shit because I put up rap lyrics…ya know what I mean?  Word.”

I can’t understand most of this drivel, but then again, I’m not supposed to.  Whoever sent it in said it’s the lyrics to J. Cole’s new song.  Whatever…

Also, LOVE that he has a friend named Nibblett…a word that clearly doesn’t get enough airtime.  Let’s bring it back, Chelsea Handler style (see: nugget, kaslopis, et al).

©2010 facebrag this. All Rights Reserved.

Seriously, how anyone is still friends with this fuckwad is beyond me. Stream of consciousness may have worked for James Joyce and Virginia Woolf, but not for Warren.  His is more of a stream of lukewarm verbal diarrhea splattering all over the place and making a shit-stained mess.

This douchebrag’s shockingly offensive updates pretty much speak for themselves.  But for the record, Oprah’s lesbian lover, Gayle (note the y, because that’s how she spells it) King, is not famous and neither are you, so there is no “HEY YALL” moment happening via your status updates.  You’re not Ashton Kutcher on Twitter…by a mile.

Warren, you are truly one of the most obnoxious, foul, and patently retarded facebraggers we’ve seen in a while.  Good luck with your career at Seventeen Magazine…definitely a bright, impactful future ahead of you, no doubt.

PEACE YALL!

©2010 facebrag this. All Rights Reserved.

You see, this is what happens when cousins marry.  You get Michael.  I’m sure Rocktoberfest 2.0 (how original) is going to be absolutely whitetrashtastic, mullets and all.

Don’t ge me wrong, I love 80s rock as much as the next guy, but an entire day built on the theme is a bit much (read: redneck).  We can only hope no one gets hurt or inadvertently tattooed at this Wayne’s World re-enactment.

I especially love the part where he says you can come only if he likes you.  Friends, if this guy likes you, you’ve got much bigger problems than getting into a rock party.

Michael crica July 2009

©2010 facebrag this. All Rights Reserved.

First off, let me apologize for the Crayola scribbling on this one.  It was sent to me like that, and honestly, I just didn’t feel like cleaning the mess up.

Here’s what Joseph’s friend had to say about him:

“I don’t even really know this guy…… he’s a friend of a friend whom i met ONCE at a party. He then went home and facebooked everyone he met there, I guess. Some of these go back a few months, but when I stumbled on this site, I thought of him immediately. Even if you don’t post these, I hope you enjoy reading them! And, oh, his profile pic. He posted it to his profile with the caption ‘my new  uniform.’”

I’d give anything if I could show you the profile pic, but it goes against my anonymity rules.  That said, it’s a-mazing!  Imagine senior year book pose, hands folded together on one knee, class ring showing prominently, black and white photo with splash of color in the orange tie, and Joseph cutting his eyes to the left with a dickwad smirk on his face.  If this guy isn’t paying his right hand $500 an hour by now, someone’s getting ripped off.

Let’s see…20lbs thinner.  Well, non-stop blow jobs in back alleys will do that…very little time to eat (besides cock) on a schedule like that.

$20k richer…see above.

Accepted at 4 law schools…see above again.

Flying his helo for freedom and justice…wtf?

Joseph is obviously an extremely insecure person making up for either micro penis, a tail, or perhaps both male and female genitalia.  I wonder, does it tickle when your penis accidentally touches your vagina?

Joseph, have fun at Bob’s School of Law and Muffler Repair.  And remember, it’s already in your mouth…might as well swallow.  They tip more when you do!

©2010 facebrag this. All Rights Reserved.