Archive for the ‘I go to parties!’ Category

Douchebraggers: Losers in Disguise

Friday, September 11th, 2009

Drew Premier

Well, well, well.  Can’t be sure if this is the same Drew as before, but if it looks like a dickface, smells like a dickface, and brags like a dickface…

Then again, could also just be an unforunate name…

At any rate, GAWD.  Are you kidding me?  Is this for real?  There is nothing worse than lame fucks like this trying to claw their way out of meaningless obscurity by clinging to the coattails of people who’ve actually “made it” (note to reader: using the term “made it” very loosely re: Megan Fox…though “loose” is probably quite apt).

Drew, it’s surely a fluke or some benevolent act of charity you’re at this event.  Stop acting like you matter.  You don’t.  At all.  Period.

And trust me, Shia LaBeouf is the one who should be worried about sitting next to you, not vice versa.  From what I’ve read, pubic lice can jump.  And that’s just nasty.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted in I go to parties!, I hang with not unfamous people, Look at me! | 2 Comments »

NJay Transit Trash

Friday, September 11th, 2009

NJay Trash

So here’s my question: does it still count as bragging when the status update clearly exposes someone to be a piece of Turnpike Trash who thinks the Borgata is something to be proud of?  I’m torn on this one…like a ragged $5 bill being used to do the last line off the inner thigh of an AC boardwalk hussy.

Kids like Jay, the ones who give bridges and tunnels a bad name, always refer to Manhattan as “the city,” presumably to let us know they’re on a first name basis.  Tourists go to NYC.  New Yorkers once-removed go to “the city.”  I can’t really complain because God knows I don’t want these blow out bitches living in Manhattan.

Having them seep into the city on the weekends like hexavalent chromium in the Hinkley groundwater is more than enough.  (+5 to anyone who gets that reference)

But seriously, stop acting like you belong here just because public transit is unfortunate enough to run both ways.

Jay, you’re hanging out at chicken and rice joint (really?), and bragging about $1000 winnings and table service.  There’s a word I want you to look up:  nadir.  You’re there buddy…pull your shit together and shut the fuck up.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in I go to parties!, Look at me!, mildly obnoxious | No Comments »

Whitetrashfest 2.0

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

Michael Rocktoberfest

You see, this is what happens when cousins marry.  You get Michael.  I’m sure Rocktoberfest 2.0 (how original) is going to be absolutely whitetrashtastic, mullets and all.

Don’t ge me wrong, I love 80s rock as much as the next guy, but an entire day built on the theme is a bit much (read: redneck).  We can only hope no one gets hurt or inadvertently tattooed at this Wayne’s World re-enactment.

I especially love the part where he says you can come only if he likes you.  Friends, if this guy likes you, you’ve got much bigger problems than getting into a rock party.

Michael crica July 2009

Michael crica July 2009

  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in I go to parties!, I'm amazing! | No Comments »

Jameselex (douchebragafil citrate 25mg)

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

James Kravitz

WARNING:  THIS STATUS UPDATE MAY CAUSE VOMITING, DIZZINESS, OR AN UNCONTROLLABLE IMPULSE TO HURL YOURSELF FROM A WINDOW, MOVING VEHICLE, OR AIRPLANE.  WOMEN WHO ARE NURSING OR PREGNANT SHOULD NOT LOOK AT, SPEAK WITH, OR BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS JAMES.  YOUR BABY WILL DIE.

So I just got back from the Emergency Room,  and after 3 liters of IV solution I’m feeling much better.  Someone sent me this, and I started throwing up.  Everywhere.  I think there was blood in it, too.  And some of my soul.

His lame use of French and English is a tell-tale sign of someone painfully inept at both.  Speaking of, what’s French for “I’d rather peel my face with a paring knife than read James’ status updates”?

At this point, it’s best just to sit back and feel sorry for little (and I mean little) James.  I’ll admit, though, it’s awfully satisfying to publicly ridicule someone trying so hard to seem better than the pool of musty ass sweat he really is.

If you know James and see him again anytime soon, please give him a good facebrag this thump on the head for being the biggest piece of dick shit on the planet.  Ever.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted in I go to parties!, I hang with not unfamous people, I'm the worst, Look at me!, My life is better than yours, Wish you were here | 3 Comments »

Even France doesn’t deserve this

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

Jamse french party

Since it’s Wednesday, I figure it’s time to treat everyone to some middle of the week awesomeness:  James “I have no shame or self respect” Douchebrag Jr. is back.

After making it painfully evident he was able to secure a passport (we’re all still trying to figure how he dunnit…they’re so elusive), we now learn he’s trying to party harder than the French.  Normally I’d bet against the French even if it involved putting one against a stuffed animal in a death match, but in this case I’m going with the frogs.

The French are arrogant in a classy, sort of understated way. Their manner of  self-righteous sneer is one that simply cannot be replicated.  I hate them, but I respect them.  They know they’re the worst, and they embrace it.

James, on the other hand, thinks he’s God’s gift to…well…everything.  Let’s hope the French can disabuse him of this grand delusion.

France, consider James our gift to you.  And let’s call it even after the cock faces you’ve been since we saved your pansy asses from the Nazis during WWII.

PS: If you thought you recognized Mathew (comment #2), you’re right…he’s also a dumb fuck douchebrag who we’ve featured before.  Check it out:  http://facebragthis.com/?s=matthew

  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in I go to parties!, Punch in face, Wish you were here | 1 Comment »

Not confident, just a cock

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

Brandon Cocky

Here we have some more douchebraggery from our friend Brandon, the consummate ass wipe.

His whole Master Card rip-off is about as tiresome as his self-adulation, but at least he’s not cocky…just confident.  Wait, scratch that; reverse it.

It’s always surprising how people who know they are trash and will never be anything more spend so much time trying to convince everyone that the opposite is true (see: Clinton, Bill; Hilton, Paris; Jolie, Angelina; et al).

We’re not sure what list he’s referring to if you want to “party with the best,” but one can guess it’s a list that might very well land you under FBI monitoring.  If this facebrag were even sort of inventive or original it might be fun.  Sadly it was clearly written by a comatose 3rd grader.  Sigh.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in I go to parties!, I'm amazing! | 2 Comments »

James is the new Drew?

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009

James yacht

This is another one of those updates that makes my soul hurt. While James is partying it up in the Sud de France, his abysmally clueless friends are egging him on.  Which, like the complicit German soldiers “just following orders” during WWII, makes them just as guilty.

Between the 6 people who “like this” and the 7 who commented, we know James has at least 13 friends on the payroll.  It kind of makes you wonder if they’re all paid for penetration, too…or just their facebook postings.  Hmmm.

Sally, Justin, and Maria all deserve whatever socially transmittable diseases this man can spread, while Bonnie gets a break because she had clearly just woken up from a nap and was covered with drool and purple Crayola marker.

I didn’t think it was possible, but James could be the new Drew.  Thoughts?

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in I go to parties!, My life is better than yours | 3 Comments »

Get this man a barfbag!

Friday, July 31st, 2009

Greg Sick

Here’s an easy one.  This thing requires about as much commentary as a toddler’s boogery doodles.  I take that back.  At least a parent can put their toddler’s boogery doodle on the fridge and be proud of it. These updates are just a waste of perfectly good facebook real estate.

Let’s cut to the chase: Greg is clearly an idiot.  He can’t seem to make the distinction between California and a magical dreamworld where he’s not a douchebrag fuck up.  He also loves to party and be all VIP, oh, and talking about it.  A lot.

Andrew is clearly his only friend who has any sense whatsoever. Andrew, we’re equally as dumbfounded by the quasiliterate bird droppings on Greg’s “sick” facebook page.

Do yourself a favor and defriend him now, before that shit spreads to your facebook account, too.

I think Greg’s facebook friend said it best:

“I’m not sure who Greg is or how he got on my friends list.  but from the content of his updates, I’m glad his sick swine flu self moved across the country.”

  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in I go to parties! | No Comments »