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Aqua Velva + Public Transport + Ritz = Mathew

Monday, September 21st, 2009

Mathew Award

Lord, this is just sad and boring, but worthy of a chuckle nonetheless.  You’d think he was being nominated for an Oscar by the sound of it.

Mathew, we’ve seen your facebragging work before.   What organization could possibly be so desperate as to nominate YOU for Man of the Year?  Are we talking about ACORN here?  Wtf?

Regardless, hopefully you had fun at the Ritz, drinking your “shampane” and trying to figure out which fork goes with what. I’m imagining a Pretty Woman moment with you at such a nice hotel…except probably a bit more out of place than Julia Roberts. Even a hooker at the Regent Beverly Wilshire would seem more natural than  you at the Ritz.

Congrats again, douchebrag.  Hope you didn’t steal any of the silverware.

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Posted in I'm amazing!, Look at me! | 1 Comment »

Douchebraggers: Losers in Disguise

Friday, September 11th, 2009

Drew Premier

Well, well, well.  Can’t be sure if this is the same Drew as before, but if it looks like a dickface, smells like a dickface, and brags like a dickface…

Then again, could also just be an unforunate name…

At any rate, GAWD.  Are you kidding me?  Is this for real?  There is nothing worse than lame fucks like this trying to claw their way out of meaningless obscurity by clinging to the coattails of people who’ve actually “made it” (note to reader: using the term “made it” very loosely re: Megan Fox…though “loose” is probably quite apt).

Drew, it’s surely a fluke or some benevolent act of charity you’re at this event.  Stop acting like you matter.  You don’t.  At all.  Period.

And trust me, Shia LaBeouf is the one who should be worried about sitting next to you, not vice versa.  From what I’ve read, pubic lice can jump.  And that’s just nasty.

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Posted in I go to parties!, I hang with not unfamous people, Look at me! | 2 Comments »

NJay Transit Trash

Friday, September 11th, 2009

NJay Trash

So here’s my question: does it still count as bragging when the status update clearly exposes someone to be a piece of Turnpike Trash who thinks the Borgata is something to be proud of?  I’m torn on this one…like a ragged $5 bill being used to do the last line off the inner thigh of an AC boardwalk hussy.

Kids like Jay, the ones who give bridges and tunnels a bad name, always refer to Manhattan as “the city,” presumably to let us know they’re on a first name basis.  Tourists go to NYC.  New Yorkers once-removed go to “the city.”  I can’t really complain because God knows I don’t want these blow out bitches living in Manhattan.

Having them seep into the city on the weekends like hexavalent chromium in the Hinkley groundwater is more than enough.  (+5 to anyone who gets that reference)

But seriously, stop acting like you belong here just because public transit is unfortunate enough to run both ways.

Jay, you’re hanging out at chicken and rice joint (really?), and bragging about $1000 winnings and table service.  There’s a word I want you to look up:  nadir.  You’re there buddy…pull your shit together and shut the fuck up.

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Posted in I go to parties!, Look at me!, mildly obnoxious | No Comments »

Look at me! I can spend money, too!

Friday, August 21st, 2009

Receipt Brag

So here’s a new one…this douchebrag posted his bar receipt on facebook so we can all see how much money he spent drinking. I’m all for drinking, and spending money, and mixing the two together…but posting the receipt on facebook?  Really cockbreath?

Do us all a favor and at  least stop biting your nasty, jankety finger nails if you’re going to play a hand model in  your spare time. Actually, just spare us from having to look at your pudgy little sausage fingers altogether.

Oh, and Red Bull is whitetrashtastic…fyi.

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Posted in Look at me!, Richer than God | 4 Comments »

Double Feature: Chris The Cock

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

It’s August.  It’s hot.  I’m hungover and tired.  Too tired to spend much time commenting on Chris’ latest round of douchebraggery. I’ll let the doodles do the work for me.  Enjoy!

Chris marathon

And the kicker…

Chris 69

Chris, you really are amazing.  So much so, I’m actually begging you to keep this up.  Your ability to be a completely oblivious douchebrag truly knows no bounds.

God bless you and your breathtaking lack of shame or self-respect.

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Posted in I'm amazing!, Look at me!, Punch in face | No Comments »

I’m over here! Look! Look!

Thursday, August 13th, 2009

Juliette Mizrahi

Uh oh, she’s back!  It’s Juliette Fridays a day early.  Aside from the fact that she always types as if spending .03 extra seconds completing a word would kill her, the faux giddiness seeping from this boil is unbearable.  Not sure what this book is or what it’s about, but my guess is it’d be a good toilet paper back up plan.

Her 4 friends who “like this” need to get outside, get some fresh air, and stop looking at old lady porn all day.

And really, Chris?  If you’re trying to bag this poor girl, there are less humiliating ways.  Start with flowers…or in this case, try bragging about her on a billboard in Times Square.  Maybe that will get her attention!

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Posted in I'm important!, Look at me! | No Comments »

WTF?

Thursday, August 13th, 2009

Jordi Concert

I’m not really sure what to do with this, because anyone who’s bragging about going to a Pink concert can’t really be bragging.  No clue who this band is, but it seemed like he was a douchebrag anyway.  I guess if going to concerts were something difficult to do, like…say…flying  a plane, we might give a shit.  This is just kind of sad.

Tears.

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Posted in Look at me!, Trying but not | 1 Comment »

Jameselex (douchebragafil citrate 25mg)

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

James Kravitz

WARNING:  THIS STATUS UPDATE MAY CAUSE VOMITING, DIZZINESS, OR AN UNCONTROLLABLE IMPULSE TO HURL YOURSELF FROM A WINDOW, MOVING VEHICLE, OR AIRPLANE.  WOMEN WHO ARE NURSING OR PREGNANT SHOULD NOT LOOK AT, SPEAK WITH, OR BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS JAMES.  YOUR BABY WILL DIE.

So I just got back from the Emergency Room,  and after 3 liters of IV solution I’m feeling much better.  Someone sent me this, and I started throwing up.  Everywhere.  I think there was blood in it, too.  And some of my soul.

His lame use of French and English is a tell-tale sign of someone painfully inept at both.  Speaking of, what’s French for “I’d rather peel my face with a paring knife than read James’ status updates”?

At this point, it’s best just to sit back and feel sorry for little (and I mean little) James.  I’ll admit, though, it’s awfully satisfying to publicly ridicule someone trying so hard to seem better than the pool of musty ass sweat he really is.

If you know James and see him again anytime soon, please give him a good facebrag this thump on the head for being the biggest piece of dick shit on the planet.  Ever.

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Posted in I go to parties!, I hang with not unfamous people, I'm the worst, Look at me!, My life is better than yours, Wish you were here | 3 Comments »

Clean up on Fashion Ave, er, aisle 4

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

Brandon Fashion Week

Even though we just posted about Brandon (”Not confident, just a cock” http://facebragthis.com/?p=500), he’s back already, and we just couldn’t resist.

This is another status update that you want to be happy for, but then he has to go shit all over it by screaming about how wonderful his life is.

His friend who sent it in made a really going point as well:

“Interesting how he brags that he will be part of NY fashion week, yet ignores his ‘friends’ questions about which specific show he will be part of. Perhaps Mary-Kate and Ashley’s couture Wal-mart clothing line has expanded to menswear?”

We don’t know Brandon, and God knows we don’t want to, but it sounds like he’s not answering for a reason (see below).

Brandon "at" Fall Fashion Week 2009

Brandon "at" Fall Fashion Week 2009

Brandon, I hope you, Heather, and all the other day laborers have a great time at Fashion Week.  Remember, you’re not allowed to take tips or look guests directly in the eye.  And if you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean.

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Posted in I'm important!, Look at me! | No Comments »

Our new favorite facebrag spy

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009

Lisa Perez

Whoever sent me this, you are officially my new favorite facebrag spy. You’ve done most of the work for me!  Here’s what this awesome human being said when he sent me Lisa’s pernicious little facebrag:

“I just wanted to submit this facebrag to your amazing site.  I just discovered it yesterday and instantly remembered receiving quite the douche-chill from this facebook status update.  I have never even met this girl, but I remember that she added me a long time ago…probably because I am so studly and hot (what is that, an emailbrag?).  Either way, I don’t know if stuff that involves Perez Hilton and Tweets is considered cool now or what (actually I do know–it’s not), but this just totally crosses the line.  The fact that this TWEET “made her day” makes me want to set myself on fire.  Keep up the good work…your site brings the funny.”

I’m immediately adding “douche-chill” to the “facebrag this” dictionary and opening it up to you guys for a definition.  That post will come later.

Lisa, I’d call you a moron, but that would be an insult to Obama voters everywhere.  The fact that Perez Hilton’s intern/houseboy wrote back to you on Twitter (I assure you Perez is too busy crying on tape somewhere) is not important, significant, or even noteworthy.  The fact that you are allowed to roam free in society, on the other hand, should give all of us measurable pause.

Given that we’re talking about Perez Hilton, the world’s most useless and vile opportunist to come down the pike since Billy Ray Cyrus, I’d say you and your Twitter account might want to hit up the free clinic this weekend.  Contrary to what you may have been told, Chlamydia is NOT a flower.

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Posted in Look at me!, mildly obnoxious | No Comments »

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