facebrag this

Before getting started with this gem, here’s a note from Adam’s friend (we can discuss why this guy is friends with Adam later on):

“I wanted to submit a blatant facebragger — attached are screenshots of his various updates over the course of pretty much the past 24 hours. A serial offender. Apologies as I could not figure out how to black out last name or other such details.”

Buddy, the only thing you should apologize for is contributing to Adam’s presumably non-negative facebook friend count.  This is gold.  Now on to the offenses.

Admittedly I’m not the world’s biggest U2 fan, but I’m almost 100% certain they never did a song about being a complete and utter facebragging whore and generally awful human being.  Come to think of it, the only U2 song that even comes to mind is “Staring at the Sun” because reading your status updates is equally painful and debilitating while being far less interesting and gratifying.  The sun may be the source for all life on earth, and even it isn’t as full of itself as you are.

Also, we’ll soon see that Adam’s friend Jennie likes and laughs at almost everything he posts.  My guess is she gets paid.  Takers?

But your friend Travis makes a great point.  Were we to show America’s youth that doing drugs could turn them into someone like Adam, I promise you we could declare victory on the drug war by year’s end.  Sorry Nancy Reagan, I found him first!  You had your chance.

Next!

No, really, in all seriousness…dude, what is your problem?  I’m only one status update in, and I’d already rather take a beating in public and be skinned with a grapefruit spoon than spend 5 minutes with you, much less work with you.  There is no “pro.”  It’s all con, con, con.  The only pro I can see is that workdays, like many of your facebook friendships, always come to an end.

And whoever asked you for a job via linked in (wait, you’re on linked in? that’s so cool…so is everyone else!) had clearly exhausted all other options, including organ donor, experimental drug tester, and the guy who comes around emptying bedpans. Don’t be flattered…it was likely starvation in a cardboard box or ask you for a job.

Next!

There is SUCH a delicious irony in the fact that YOU have been invited to GW University to talk about public diplomacy.  Love it! I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure bald-faced social grandstanding, even if only through status updates, isn’t one of the tactics diplomats are supposed to use.  At least that’s what we were told during the Bush years.

On a more general note, people who use facebook to announce their “keynote” and “panel” appearances should go fuck themselves.  Unless you’ve invited me to this event through facebook, why on earth does anyone care?  That’s right, they don’t.  It’s just another excuse for you to try to show off how smart, involved, or requested you are.  Judging from most of those panels, where an opinion and a pulse are the only things required to participate, I’d say you shouldn’t be so braggy about it.

And look, Jennie is back!  Someone give this girl a clue, please.

Final verdict:  Adam, whoever sent me this is a godsend.  We can only hope that you will continue to be this much of a public assbrag so we can all revel in your completely unfounded supreme sense of self.  So far, the only person I’ve run across more full of herself is Maureen Dowd, and you give that frumpy old ice-bitch a run for the money.  That’s saying something.